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Have you ever felt like you have lost your sense of direction (purpose) and no matter which way you turn the feeling of “Home” is nowhere in front of you. I know my name, phone number, address, and social security number- my family made sure I knew all of those things when I started walking to school by myself at the age of seven or eight because I wanted to be like the older kids in my neighborhood (I did not really walk by myself because one of my aunts or uncles would be right behind me out of sight – but to the mind of a child walking 3 blocks along with the other kids makes them feel like they belong). Doing that short walk every morning and every afternoon filled me with so my pride and purpose. I have walked so many blocks by myself that I hardly even notice how far I have come. It’s the pride and purpose that are missing.

My life is favored because along my route I may have tripped and fallen down or may have been pushed down but in both cases I have the scars to prove that He protected me and helped me get up time and time again. From the time I was born I have been watched over by guardian angels – known and unknown. They have guided me, advised me, and pulled me out of the way of danger. I know my way along the path but I am having trouble taking the next step. The angels and the Lord himself cannot take the steps for me, I have to put one foot in front of the other. And these days, it is hard.

I am going through a pruning season and it hurts. I am losing the thorns that prick and prod. I am being forced to let go of people that may not have done me harm but they have done me no good. There are places that my energy brings light into the room but when I leave I feel the darkness permeates my clothes like stale cigarette smoke. I need to rinse myself clean before I get in the bed or on my knees to pray. Lastly, there are things that I have focused on that did not deserve my attention to detail and by doing that, I derailed myself. I reasoned with myself that my help was needed. I bargained with the man in the mirror this would be the last time (you can lie to the world but you cannot lie to yourself). I am lost because I stopped searching for the truth – my truth.

Over the last few weeks I have spent hours sitting in my car at the park. Why? Because it felt safe to be in a space I knew nothing about with people I knew nothing of. There were people living, breathing, and being. I was there hiding among them. In my car stressed out and trying to overcome a migraine headache. Stress has killed more than a few “Healthy” people who were overwhelmed by choices and decisions that they made. I will admit that I wished it would rain in order to hide my teardrops Like The Temptations sang but when it did, I tucked myself lower in the seat and listened to the people, good and bad, being cleansed.

It did not rain today and I decided that today, I would get out of the car and follow His voice and find my way home. I felt the warmth of the sun on my skin and I felt radiant. The breeze blowing across the field let me know that I could still feel something other than emotions. As I looked down I closed my eyes and wondered how did I arrive here – on a park bench with no real sense of direction. And maybe that is just it – instead of trying to know everything, only He is omnipotent, I am supposed to be lost in this world so that I can find my way back to Him. My path has been marked by stress, financial letdown, anxiety, and whatever else you can name to describe where I have been these days.

No matter how I got up here in the cheap seats, I am here. I will not blame anyone else. I will not say it was bad luck. I am not going to say I was being punked – this is on me and just like that stale cigarette smell that is on me I have to wash my own clothes – it is not the responsibility of anyone else. Today, I sat on a park bench and contemplated life… my life. I lost my way and it will take time for me to feel like myself. Not the old self but a more level headed and calmer me. Sitting here and writing this is a good start because I had lost my sense of purpose when writing – anything. I will take this first step and post. Then I will hopefully find the courage to take a second step and post again. My journey home started when I pressed “Publish” while sitting on a park bench. Thank you for following my journey –

Eugene Avalon (c) Spoon-Fed Media